On Struggles and Strength

It is not our victories but our struggles for those victories that make us stronger and help us find something new about ourselves.

मेरी लौ हवाओं से झगड़ कर जी उठी :)

Of Moments, Magic, and Memories

It has been a year since I wrote my last B.Tech exam. But the transition that my life has made during this period makes it difficult to believe that just one year has passed since then. Yet, at times I wonder that a whole year has gone by and I could hardly notice. Fortunately for me, it was only a transition that I had to adjust to…a few other college friends had to deal with the somersaults that their lives took in the meanwhile.

My own life was never so hectic before. Without any doubt, the best part of the job so far has been the training in Kolkata, where I met some people who have become friends for life. But after coming to Mumbai last August, it has been a series of transitions that I had to deal with. To begin with, the job wasn’t easy earlier (it has become much better now). Ever since Vikas left for Delhi in October, I have been living alone in a 2BHK flat and believe me, it ain’t easy. Traveling in locals has always been more of a challenge rather than a simple commuting to work.

As I sat reflecting as to how could I deal with all the changes that happened over the past one year, the answer suddenly dawned upon me a few days back.

Last weekend Sam had come to Mumbai and we met each other after a gap of almost one year. We were so very happy to see each other. Only both of us would have preferred better reasons for the meeting. Yet meeting Sam was such a joyous occasion that it called for a celebration. We fondly remembered our days at Roorkee and revived all those pleasant memories. We spoke of our life after Roorkee, our jobs and our future plans, recession etc. But as we had limited time at our hands, we had to head for Dadar a little later. The very next day, he was to fly back to Delhi and I had to go to the client’s office as usual. At Dadar, he boarded the local for Goregaon (a new and hopefully a pleasant experience for him :D) and I took the train for Kurla.

Still immersed in the thoughts of the beautiful evening, my mind was flooded with the memories of all those days…the class bunks, the assignments and the submissions, the handmade Xerox copies (that would grow in a combination of various geometric progressions…each with its own multiplying factor which lies anywhere between 1 to 10. Let there be one copy of a 40 page assignment and entire class would be ready for submission within an hour) , the endless NCC drills and camps, hours spent drenched in sweat in gymnasium, the sleepless nights during the examinations, SURA project presentation, Shimla trip, movies, weightlifting - injuries and medals , chapos, ragging, notes for xerox before TS (the Xerox wala must be the busiest man during TS), various stage performances where Sam filled up the voids of my voice with the chords of his guitar, rafting at Rishikesh, placements, BTP and finally the farewell…

For many of us, life is surely not a cakewalk. At times, months and years of struggle finally give way to a few moments worth cherishing all life. Some of these moments may have occurred long back, but they are the treasures that are now an inherent part of our lives, which no one can take away from us. And when I am enervated, overwhelmed by the challenges of life, these are the moments that drive me to fight the battles of life again and it is the anticipation of such moments that makes it all worth the effort. Meeting with Sam was another such moment and I am still counting on many more of such moments to brighten up my life…

.

“For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.”

Reading the Instincts

Understanding human psyche is quite a difficult job. But instincts can give us a fair idea of the behaviour and personality that these psychic forces govern. By instincts here, I mean the impulsive reactions or response to some external stimulus.

.

I have been undergoing training in Kolkata for more than a month now. About two weeks ago, the company asked for our preferences regarding the locations of our final postings. I had given mine as Mumbai. But after having spent almost a month with other trainees, I made friends with a few of them and for once I thought of changing my preference to Gurgaon. However, on second thought, I decided not to. But before this final decision, I discussed this issue with a few others and asked their opinion about changing my preference. The two extreme instincts were:
.

1. "Yaar...there are limited vacancies in Gurgaon and if you too opt for it, then probably I won't get Gurgaon."

.
2. "Good yaar...tu bhi aaja, masti karenge!" (If you also come to Gurgaon, we'll enjoy!)

.

These reactions gave me some insight into the thought process of these two individuals.

.

Some people lie and fake so very often and with such a great expertise that others just can't help being fooled by them. But instincts, being their response to external stimulus before application of any thought process to it, are their natural and true response and reflect their true character. And though the instincts are not always conclusive, they certainly help us understand others better.

The Veil

Very often the appearances are deceptive and it takes quite some time to find out the naked truth behind the veil that many people cover their faces with.

.
What I wrote just before, is not meant to send out negative connotations only. There are people who look quite intimidating from outside but are just the opposite from inside. At the same time, there are people who look innocent like a lamb turn out to be a fox when examined closely.

.
Most of the times, some of our past actions cause a particular image to be associated with us. And though this image may be positive or negative, the motives behind those actions carry far more significance and are sometimes not easy to decipher.

.
Recently a girl proposed one of my friends but my friend declined her. When the girl persisted on, he had to use bitter (but decent) words just because he did not want her to suffer for himself.

.
To many people, who did not know him well, he appeared to be a rude and emotionless person. However the truth is quite the opposite.

.
And though it may not be easy to unveil the motive behind someone's actions, it is always worth the time and effort to try to decipher it. Who knows, you might be missing a trustworthy and loyal friend just because you did not try to look beyond what everyone else looks at.

Ego versus Self Respect

In my previous post, I wrote about a fine distinction between Ego and Self Respect. I''ll elaborate it here.
.

Ego is something you throw on others, usually to satisfy your desire to exert power or authority on them or to show them your worth. Self respect on the other hand is quite essantial to your existence as a person of honour and diginity in your own eyes.

.

You need others to satisfy your ego, which is not the case with self respect. You can be a person of high self respect without forming a coterie around you.
.
When your ego shatters, you usually have three mutually exclusive and exhaustive feelings :
.

1. You may experience extreme anger and it usually gives rise to a flame of revenge in your heart which in no time becomes an uncontrollable fire.
.

2. You become helpless because you can't do anything about it. You are too powerless to do any harm to the person who was the reason for bringing down your ego.

.

3. You start to analyze the situation rationally and bury your arrogance and then you are able to see the logic and the reason.

.

On the other hand, when you lose self respect, your anger is directed more towards yourself than towards anyone else. You start questioning the very reasons for your own existence. A person who doesn't value himself/herself can't expect others to value him/her. Self respect is one of the central tenets of the life of a rational human being.

.

When ego shatters, it is usually the result of loss of your command or authority over others. Loss of self respect on the other hand is always the consequence of guilt, a feeling that you did something wrong in the past or that you could have done something in somewhat different manner.

.

And now that you, the brave reader, has read so far, I'll give you some food for thought : There are times when ego is shattered into pieces and is accompanied by loss of self respect too.

When is it time to let it go?

In relationships, it is not uncommon to see people sacrificing their ego. And most of the times, it is quite important in order to sustain the relationship. And it is not wrong either. But if it comes to sacrificing your self respect, it is the final checkpoint. You may go ahead or you can still come back. And if you decide to go ahead, whatever be the outcome, one thing is definite-there would be no way back to be the same person that you once were. And you may find yourself wondering if it was all worth it.

.

The key is to understand the fine boundary between ego and self respect.

Anatomy of Love - I

So much has been written about this word that I am not sure whether I'll put something new or not. Everyone might have his/her own views about it, but here I put some of my own views about love. And I don't say that whatever I write here is absolute. These are just my views. They might be correct; they might not be.

The first question that comes to my mind is whether love should be conditional or unconditional. And my answer might amaze you or even confuse you. I say it should be both.

Love should be conditional when it comes to the selection of person(s) whom we love. Love in its absolute sense is too precious to be given to each and everyone. Love, in a way, is response to the values in the persona of other person.

We come across many kinds of people in our lives. We like or love some; we don't like or love others. And at times we detest even the presence of some people. Why is it so? It is because we don't like their certain habits. Or in other words, certain aspects of their personality.

The list of habits or qualities that one admires or detests may vary from person to person and also with age and certain other circumstances for a particular person. When it comes to marriages in India, many people give preference to physical beauty much more than education. It is exactly the opposite with many others. Similarly, five years ago, I used to detest smokers. And no smoker could be my friend then. Though I still don't approve of smoking but at the same time I don't detest smokers or smoking now. And when I say that the list of such habits that we like or dislike may change, it doesn't mean that it would necessarily change. I didn't like lazy people five years back; I still don't like them.

When I say love, it could be for anyone. I love my parents so much. Most of the people do. But when I talked to a deserted child in an orphanage his views were not the same. The way he talked about his parents suggested a sense of disgust even at the mention of the word 'parents'. Why is there a difference in his and my response to the same question of love for parents? It is because his parents did not set an example of love and care that was expected of them. The values that were expected in their behaviour towards their child were completely missing or else they would not have deserted him in the first place.

Our habits together form our way of life and thus, shape our character. These values are reflected in almost all the works we do. And thus the values inherent in someone's character are the reason why we love someone and hate others. And thus when it comes to selection of people we love, love is absolutely conditional.

Here I should emphasize that I am not writing about the regular crushes that some people might have on actors/actresses and so on, though even in that case it is their physical beauty that is the reason for crush.

And when should love be unconditional? I'll explore this question some other time.